Dear my glasses,
I remember the moment when I first met you. Unfortunately I was very unhappy when I first met you. I used to lie down on my bed when studying. I liked to study in that form, because it was very comfortable. However, it was very harmful for my eyes. As a result, my eyesight became lower and the doctor said that I might need glasses. Therefore, I was very unhappy and angry when I first met you. You seem to be uncomfortable and troublesome, especially when I was playing sports. You were easily injured and deformed when hit by a ball. It was annoying, because I enjoyed playing sports a lot. I had to worry about you all the time. After a few months, the situation that I was worrying about eventually happened. I was playing soccer with my friends. One of my friends kicked the ball very hard and it came right into my face. It hit my face very hard and I had a headache for a moment. When I became okay, I realized that you were broken into pieces.
Next day, I visited the store and bought new clothes for you. I chose a brown one and moved you to it from the broken one. Since then, I started to think that I have to be very careful with you, because you are very important for me to live a comfortable life. You were able to do the things that my eyes had to do. You enabled me to see things clearly. Without you, I was just able to recognize the vague forms of things. Many days passed and you became part of my life. I want to apologize that my attention and care for you had significantly decreased as time went on. I just cleaned you with my clothes and sometimes I just threw it on my bed. In addition, I just wore you without any care, because I just needed you. I was also tired of same color, so I just changed the colors for no specific reason.
When I came to KMLA, I started to play basketball with passion for the first time. When I was young, I only played soccer. Soccer wasn't that harmful to my glasses, because there were rarely occasions that I got hit by a ball in my face. However, it became very usual that a ball hit my face when I played basketball. The ball usually hit my face and you, and sometimes other players' hands hit you also. Those injuries eventually broke you again.
Sincerely yours...
Glasses are a good choice to write an ode to, and there are some good moments here. But I do think you could be more adventurous and challenge yourself to be more descriptive. You're grammar is good, and you write cleanly, but with so many short repetitive sentences you seem to be playing it safe and limiting your rhythm. Try to vary your vocabulary and avoid using the same words in close proximity - there is a lot of "you" going on here, and at times it makes for a stilted read. Be careful of verb tenses and clarity as well.
답글삭제So, in summary, you are a capable writer who needs to write longer, more complex sentences. Grammar is not your problem - so that's a good thing. I think it will be easy for you to improve with some focus on style and vocabulary.
Dear (DELETE) Glasses,
답글삭제I remember the moment when I first met you. Unfortunately I was very unhappy AT THAT TIME ("met you" is repetitive). I used to lie down on my bed when studying (DELETE REDUNDANT CLAUSE - COMBINE SHORT SENTENCES), because it was very comfortable. However, it was very harmful for my eyes. As a result, my eyesight became WORSE and the doctor said that I might need glasses. Therefore, I was very unhappy and angry when WE FIRST MET. (NEW PARAGRAPH - BE CAREFUL OF TOO MANY "YOU" BEING USED.)
(CONSIDER VERB TENSES BELOW - CONTINUOUS, PAST, PRESENT? PICK ONE AND STICK TO IT)
You SEEMED to be uncomfortable and troublesome, especially when I was playing sports. You were easily injured and deformed when hit by a ball. It was annoying, because I enjoyed (DELETE) sports a lot. I had to worry about you all the time. After a few months, the situation that I WORRIED about FINALLY happened. I was playing soccer with my friends. One of my friends kicked the ball very hard and it HIT ME RIGHT IN THE FACE very hard CAUSING AN INSTANT headache. AFTER I RECOVERED, I realized that you were broken into pieces.
(NOTICE IN THE ABOVE PARAGRAPH THAT I combined a few smaller sentences into one sentence. Try to write longer more complete sentences. You often repeat subjects and nouns in sentences that follow each other in close proximity. It disrupts flow and sounds choppy - so this is something you can focus on avoiding in your next assignment.)
THE next day, I visited the store and bought new clothes for you. (???? A BIT UNCLEAR METAPHOR HERE. WE NEED MORE DETAIL AND POETICS TO MAKE IT WORK IF YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT THE FRAMES).
I chose a brown one (WHAT IS "ONE REFERRING TO?) and moved you to it (WHAT IS "IT"?) from the broken one.
(THIS SENTENCE DOESN'T WORK - ANTECEDENT IS VAGUE - definitely rework this.)
Since then, I'VE started to REALIZE that I have to be very careful with you, because you are very important TO me IF I WANT TO live a comfortable life. You ARE able to do the things that my eyes MUST do. You ENABLE me to see things clearly. Without you, I AM ONLY able to recognize (DELETE) vague forms (DELETE).
Many days passed and you became part of my life AGAIN. I want to apologize FOR THE FACT that my attention and care for you had significantly decreased as time went on. I just cleaned you with my clothes and sometimes I just threw YOU on my bed. In addition, I just wore you without any care, because I just NEEDED you. I was also tired of YOUR same color, so I just changed the colors for no specific reason.
(THE ABOVE PARAGRAPH HAS AN UNCLEAR TIME LINE AND THE VERBS MAY OR MAY NOT WORK)
When I came to KMLA, I started to play basketball with passion for the first time. When I was young, I only played soccer. Soccer wasn't that harmful to my glasses, because there were rarely occasions WHEN A BALL HIT MY FACE. However, IN BASKETBALL THIS WAS NOT THE CASE. NOT JUST THE BALL, BUT ALSO THE HANDS OF OTHER PLAYERS OFTEN SNAGGED YOU. THESE FOWLS eventually INJURED you again. Therefore, I had to change your body REPEATEDLY.
The one I am wearing now is your 6th REINCARNATION. I sometimes want to discard you, and just get some contact LENSES instead of you. However, I know that you are much better than contact lens for my eyes. Thus, I (DELETE) DECIDE to keep using you. There might be times WHEN YOU SUFFER injuries DUE TO MY LOVE OF SPORTS, BUT I will try very hard to PROTECT YOU. I hope you work for me and help my eyes work efficiently for many more years TO COME. I never expressed this feeling, but I feel very thankful and sorry TO you. I WILL PAY more CARE AND attention TOWARDS YOU AND appreciate your hard work.
Sincerely yours...